Mama guilt...

Has set in big time.  2 weeks ago today we found out that Aidan wasn't gaining weight the way he should be.  He had only gained 6 ounces in 3+ weeks.  It was determined that my "mommy milk" didn't have enough calories in it for him.  He was started on formula.  In my head, I know that all that matters is that he's happy and healthy.  In my heart, I was really hoping to go 12+ months nursing.  As much as I told myself I would be happy with how ever long I got to breast feed, secretly, I was hoping it was going to be a long term thing.  I loved the one on one time, I loved the bonding, I just loved it in general (once we got past the ridiculous pain part).  Truth be told...I still get one on one time (tons of it, given Nick's schedule), I still get to bond with him over his meals (just in the form of a bottle now), and I'm kinda relieved by the fact that we no longer have to worry about having enough mommy milk pumped/stored to be able to be out and about for an entire day.  I don't have to think ahead and wonder where I can nurse, or if I have enough mommy milk to sustain him through out a day.  Sadly, I am almost completely dried up now.  I can no longer get anything by pumping.  I do still nurse Aidan at night, and I think he gets some mommy milk during that time, but I'm not really sure how much, or if he's just nursing as a comfort thing.  In the next couple days I'm going to pack away my pump and 2oz bottles, saving them for our next little miracle.  And for now, I'm just going to enjoy the time and bond that I have with my beautiful son.  On Monday I took him to his pediatricians office to get weighed, just to find out how much he had gained since starting on formula...in 11 days he gained a pound and a half.  He went from 13 pounds to 14.5 pounds.  He had dropped from the 75th percentile to the 25th before this...now he's back up to the 75th percentile.  I couldn't be happier!!  In just a couple short weeks, he will start on some solids!  I can't believe how fast he's growing.  He's working on his two front bottom teeth already!  Nick and I are truly blessed to have this amazing little man in our lives!!

Here's a couple of his 3 month pictures <3

What a difference a year makes!!

This time last year, Nick and I were trying to get pregnant.  This year, we have a beautiful 3 month old baby. 

Last year, we had only been in our house for a couple months.  This year, well, we've been here 15ish months, and have gotten alot of remodeling and unpacking and settling done.

It absolutely amazes me how different things are this year.  We don't have it all together, but together we have it all!

The last 3 months have been a huge change.  Our family of 2 has become a family of 3.  It's a huge adjustment from being alone for 24 out of every 48 hours, to being completely responsible for a baby...I used to be able to get up an run to the store real fast, or make impromptu plans with friends...now it takes me at least an hour to get out of the house to run to the grocery store, or pharmacy...don't even ask how long it takes if we're going to be gone more then an hour! 

One of the biggest changes had come in the last couple weeks.  I have felt my depression creeping back in for a while now, but I've been trying to push it back and pretend like all is well.  I've finally accepted that it's beyond what I can handle on my own anymore.  My Gramma passed away on New Years Eve, and I think that just sent me over the edge.  I've been trying for a long time to find a job, with no results.  Then on Wednesday I found out that I'm not making caloric enough breast milk for Aidan, meaning that we had to start giving him formula...not the end of the world, I know, but, for me at this point it was heart breaking.  I just can't help but feel like I have failed him in some way...

Well, that's about enough of wallowing in my own self pity for one night I think! 

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